Nervousness and ambition typically go hand in hand—however we not often speak about that overtly, particularly within the context of management. Morra Aarons-Mele, writer of The Anxious Achiever and host of the award-winning podcast of the identical identify, has constructed a profession serving to excessive performers perceive and reframe the position anxiousness performs of their lives. In our dialog, which has been frivolously edited for size and readability, she shares why anxiousness doesn’t should be a weak spot, how anxious achievers can set boundaries with out shedding drive, and why studying to work with our inside critic—quite than in opposition to it—is usually a highly effective drive for development.
JW: What does the time period “anxious achiever” imply to you and the way can we start to reframe anxiousness not as a weak spot however as a possible supply of energy?
MAM: An anxious achiever is somebody who channels anxiousness into ambition, work ethic, productiveness, and management. Alongside the best way, they’ve discovered that efficiency equals worth. Many individuals inform me, “Once I achieved, I used to be cherished. I discovered that’s what I ought to do—and the worry of shedding retains me shifting ahead.” Others say, “I grew up poor, with a single mother who struggled and a dad who didn’t pay the payments. I’ll by no means be that weak once more.” For them, the anxiousness of shortage drives their willpower.
Nervousness can be a misunderstood emotion. We now have a number of social stigma in opposition to what anxiousness represents in our tradition, particularly in management. And due to this fact we fake we don’t have it, which is loopy as a result of everybody experiences anxiousness. We want to have anxiousness—it’s what has saved us alive as a species. It’s our physique’s manner of making ready us for motion. So, we shouldn’t need to rid ourselves of our anxiousness, however we may have more healthy methods to handle it.
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JW: What are your “go-to” methods for managing anxious ideas in the course of a workday?
MAM: I’m a giant believer in understanding the bodily roots of tension. I’ve discovered that I must calm my physique earlier than I can go into any cognitive reframing (the method of reframing our ideas to attempt to change our thoughts or compartmentalize). So I’ve props on my desk—a pen, a water bottle, this egg formed rock that I really like— and I take advantage of these visceral instruments to floor myself. So if I’m feeling my anxiousness rise and I’m on a Zoom name, I would seize my water bottle or my rock and simply actually tune into it, really feel it.
With apply, I’ve skilled my physique to downregulate a bit. Then I take advantage of respiration to carry my mind again on-line and reengage. Nervousness can spiral in a gathering when your nervous system ramps up—you’ll be able to’t breathe, can’t focus, and really feel shaky. That’s why grounding practices are so necessary.
JW: How can anxious achievers set boundaries in workplaces that always reward fixed availability and overachievement?
MAM: Yeah, it’s the rub, proper? Anxious achievers typically land in environments that each reward and exploit them. Too typically, it takes burning out to comprehend they will set boundaries—and that’s the place remedy will be transformative. I really like ACT remedy as a result of it helps folks reconnect with their values and sense of self. Why does it really feel so good when my boss calls me all day? Is that basically what I need? Does this serve me?
While you make clear your values, you reclaim company. Many people repeat previous patterns as a result of they as soon as labored—we had been the “good child.” However maturity offers us the prospect to ask, Why am I driving myself so arduous? Do I need to preserve doing this? That’s the deeper work of remedy. The sensible facet is studying to set limits. Boundaries are highly effective, however with out definition, they’re simply amorphous.
So possibly run an experiment: For 2 nights every week, sign off at six, not examine e mail till morning, and see what occurs. Are you able to strive that for a month? Slowly, you understand the world doesn’t crumble—and you can construct a life extra in your management. Nevertheless it begins with asking: Why do I do that? Is it simply behavior? What are my actual values?
For years, I had horrible flying anxiousness, particularly when my youngsters had been little. As a advisor, I flew weekly—it was anxious, each boundary crossed. On high of fearing the aircraft, I carried mother guilt: my youngsters had been dwelling with the nanny, I missed milestones, I felt like a horrible mom. However once I clarified my values, I noticed that offering for my kids and operating a socially impactful enterprise mattered deeply to me. Flying aligned with these values. That shift helped me transfer previous the anxiousness. It was arduous, however highly effective—and that’s the form of readability values work can carry.
JW: The “inside critic” drives excessive achievers, and for a lot of dad and mom that critic is very loud—each at work and at dwelling. How do you suggest quieting that voice with out shedding motivation or drive?
MAM: One in every of my greatest “aha” moments—due to Judd Brewer’s work—was realizing that anxiousness is a behavior. Our inside critic, what I name the voice, can also be a behavior. We’ve relied on it so lengthy that it runs on autopilot. Identical with our cognitive distortions—they grow to be acquainted companions. As anxious achievers, we even use them as gasoline. However breaking these habits is transformative.
Take Newton Chang, a Google govt and world champion powerlifter. In the course of the pandemic, he confronted a severe psychological well being disaster. He advised me that for many of his life he awakened each morning listening to, “You’re lazy.” Not from his dad and mom, however from this ingrained voice. After all, he wasn’t lazy—however within the pandemic, when he felt accountable for fixing the unsolvable, the behavior broke him down. He lastly noticed that this previous sample wasn’t serving him and needed to let it go.
The work begins with noticing when the voice kicks in, naming it, possibly even giving it a personality so it feels much less like part of you. The objective is to get to that place of alternative: Do I hearken to it as a result of it motivates me, or do I inform it to close up?
And it’s additionally okay to acknowledge that that is a part of who you’re. I really like Dr. Basima Tewfik’s analysis at MIT on imposter syndrome. She’s proven that folks with imposter emotions typically outperform friends and are rated as extra interpersonally efficient—as a result of they fight tougher and are extra attuned. In a single research, medical doctors with imposter emotions had higher bedside method. So generally, reframing issues: possibly this anxious, inner-critic-driven a part of me isn’t all dangerous. Perhaps it’s additionally what’s helped me get right here.
JW: For those who might give one message to working moms who really feel like they’re holding the whole lot collectively on the floor whereas managing intense anxiousness beneath, what would it not be?
MAM: This too shall cross. Nervousness feels pressing as a result of your physique believes it’s below risk—it’s simply attempting to guard you. However the reality is, it’ll cross, and you’ll get by it. As a mother with youngsters heading into highschool and one nonetheless in elementary, I look again and suppose: all of it went so quick, and I wasted an excessive amount of time on guilt and anxiousness.
It sounds cliché, however don’t let anxiousness cannibalize your time. Give your self moments freed from it. Bear in mind: anxiousness is an emotion, not the reality—and like all feelings, it passes. If it doesn’t, get assist.
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