Not way back, a consumer of mine—let’s name her Maya—shared one thing that struck me.
“I had a uncommon Sunday with nothing pressing on my plate. My children had been with their grandparents. My inbox was quiet. I might have achieved something. As a substitute of feeling relaxed, I panicked. I actually didn’t know what to do with myself.”
She laughed softly however tears had been in her eyes. “I noticed . . . I don’t know tips on how to exist with out a activity checklist. If I’m not carrying out one thing, I really feel like I don’t matter.”
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Maya isn’t alone. In my teaching work, I’ve heard this story many instances—ladies who’ve full, significant lives but really feel they’re solely nearly as good as what they checked off at the moment.
In a tradition that rewards output and treats busyness like a badge of honor, it’s simple to confuse productiveness with value. However what occurs if you decelerate—or are pressured to? Who’re you with out the to-do checklist, the proper calendar, and the excessive efficiency?
This text invitations you to pause and actually study the place your value could also be tied to how a lot you get achieved. It’s about recognizing patterns that preserve you in fixed movement—and starting to loosen their grip so your worth is rooted in one thing extra lasting.
Warning indicators you is perhaps outsourcing your self-worth to productiveness
You don’t need to be burned out or in disaster to be caught on this entice. Typically, it’s invisible—particularly when issues appear to be going nicely.
Listed here are some delicate indicators:
- You are feeling anxious or stressed if you’re not actively “getting one thing achieved.”
- You decide your day’s success by accomplishments, not emotions.
- You are feeling responsible or uncomfortable throughout downtime.
- You battle to take pleasure in actions until they’re “productive” (studying should educate, train should burn energy).
- You solely be ok with your self when exceeding expectations—at work or dwelling.
One other consumer, Elena—a doctor and mother of three—mentioned, “I do know rationally that I’m a very good mother and physician. However the one time I really feel that method is once I’m carrying out one thing measurable—publishing, presenting, ending charts. In any other case, I really feel like I’m failing.”
Elena wasn’t asking to do much less. She wished to really feel sufficient even when she wasn’t at full throttle.
That distinction issues. Reclaiming your self-worth doesn’t imply abandoning ambition. It means constructing a basis the place your id isn’t tied to output highs and lows.
Why this runs so deep
Tying value to productiveness isn’t a private flaw—it’s formed by highly effective cultural forces. We reside in a society that prizes output, the place value is measured by outcomes, not relationships or internal expertise. Girls are socialized to be competent, accommodating, and endlessly obtainable—to anticipate wants, preserve issues operating, and by no means drop the ball.
Add motherhood, with its infinite work and little suggestions, and it’s simple to internalize that your worth depends upon how a lot you deal with with out breaking.
The pandemic intensified this. With work, college, and residential merging, many working mothers turned the nerve middle—managing logistics, meals, conferences, and everybody’s feelings. The doing by no means stopped. And when individuals praised our resilience and talent to “preserve it collectively,” we absorbed the message that being helpful was what made us worthy.
The prices of outsourcing your value
This isn’t sustainable. Even when it really works briefly, it erodes well-being. Your sense of self rises and falls with accomplishment. Burnout looms as relaxation seems like failure. Disconnection creeps in—you battle to be current with family members until every thing is tied up.
When issues go off script, disappointment turns to disgrace, as if falling quick means you’re basically flawed.
Most damagingly, this mindset convinces you relaxation, pleasure, and self-compassion are rewards to be earned, not important elements of being human. When value is all the time up for reevaluation, peace stays out of attain.
What reclaiming your value seems like
This work is sluggish and layered—not a fast repair or a slogan. It’s a recalibration of the way you relate to your self.
Begin right here:
1. Discover the Narratives
Take note of ideas that come up if you’re not productive: “I needs to be doing extra,” “I’m falling behind,” “I don’t need to relaxation but.” Discover whose voice this echoes—a mother or father, boss, or cultural script? Naming these is step one to disarming them.
2. Redefine Success
Create house for a fuller definition of success: being current for bedtime with out planning tomorrow, holding a boundary at work, or letting one thing be “adequate.” Replicate day by day: What felt aligned? When did I really feel like myself? The place did I honor my values?
3. Observe Being, Not Simply Doing
Select small moments to easily be: sit with espresso with out scrolling, stroll with out exercising, and relaxation with out “incomes” it. Your nervous system could resist at first—that’s regular. Over time, you’ll construct capability to sit down with your self with out judgment.
4. Anchor to Id, Not Output
Ask: Who am I once I’m not performing or producing? This may really feel scary but additionally liberating. You’re greater than a multitasking supervisor—you’re a particular person with humor, instinct, creativity, and resilience. Start rooting your value in being human, not heroic.
One consumer, a lawyer and mother of two, shared: “I nonetheless work exhausting, however now I can pause through the day to breathe. I let dishes wait with out calling myself lazy. And unusually, I really feel extra highly effective—not much less—as a result of my value isn’t using on each activity.”
Being sufficient
Excessive-achieving mothers are admired for the way a lot they deal with—however that admiration can come at a value. Beneath competence and reliability typically lies a quiet want: to really feel complete even when nothing is getting achieved.
You don’t want to surrender your drive or objectives. However you deserve a life the place value isn’t continuously measured: a life the place relaxation is allowed, not earned; the place pleasure has house with out justification; the place being sufficient isn’t one thing you show—it’s one thing you merely belief.
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